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Showing posts from April, 2018

SHIT AND SUNSHINE

Yesterday morning I woke up early and had to pee. I wasn't ready to like wake up, wake up, given it was a kid free Sunday morning and all, so I decided not to push my sleep mask up and just you know...try being blind. I thought, in my half-slumbered state, that it might be a good exercise in using my other senses to move around, to sort of appreciate what it's like to not be able to see etc. I felt my way to the washroom no problem, but on the way back I had the unfortunate luck to step in dog shit that my 15 year old husky had accidently deposited in the small space of hallway between my bedroom and the washroom...which is practically no space at all...it was inevitably waiting for me. (Anyone who knows me, knows I have absolutely zero sense of smell so that was clearly not one of the senses helping me navigate as a fake blind person) I was then forced to push my mask up, wash my foot, clean up the poop, wash up and only then...crawl back into my super soft, Sunday bed.  By n…

40 BEFORE 40

The past five years has ushered in some extreme changes....in fact, things are still changing as I write this. And now it's happening. There is no stopping it. In just over five short months I will be turning the big 4-0.  To be honest....I have to admit that I'm not entirely cool with it. (please, please, anyone forty or over don't be offended, let me explain)

I know that forty is just a number and I don't, by a long shot, think that forty is old. I just think it's that I feel a bit like I'm playing this crazy, fierce game of catch up. While I look back on my life so far and think of the things that I have done...sailed, ate some very weird foods (including the world's second stinkiest food), owned a dirt bike, cut off all my hair, performed in small stage plays (including Shakespeare and one in my underpants with a Brooklyn accent), talked to Oprah, swam with stingrays, learned (sort of) to play the guitar, flown a plane, jumped out of a plane, kissed a …

WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST......SCRAMBLED EGGS AND TEARS

Kids are buttholes. That’s right, I said it; kids are buttholes. They don’t mean to be buttholes, necessarily, it’s just that they don’t know any better. They are so wrapped up in their own existence and naivety about the world that they don’t realize that the shit they say and do sucks sometimes; it sucks big time.
I’m a full time, single, working mom of two kids, aged almost 11 and almost 9, and I am almost losing my mind.They are still young and dumb enough that they make the most disastrous messes. Well what they call “experiments”; what? like an experiment in how much glitter, glue and wet toilet paper it takes to make mommy garble her words in frustration? They recently made “stress” balls with balloons and corn starch and sugar. Why do you need stress balls kids!!?? You stressed!? No; I’m stressed. I’m so tired of the mess and the chaos and the fact that the kids are now old enough to have developed the A word…Attitude. They can roll their eyes and talk back, complain about ever…