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I am the working mother of two little minions, just on a new adventure in another province away from my seaside home trying desperately to solve life's many riddles and find inner peace despite all the chaos...and when all else fails there's always wine.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

LRT LIFE LESSONS

My daily commute is most feasible via LRT.  Parking in downtown Calgary is highway robbery - averages around $600/month.  Plus let's face it.....I'm a shitty driver and I'm an even shittier city driver. So, LRT it is and really, it's pretty slick.

Trains come every 1 to 3 minutes and depending on where I get on, I most often do get a seat and have a chance to disappear for a half hour into a good book.

I was pondering this morning however on some of the more "interesting" lessons I have learned about LRT living, and for a laugh or two, thought I'd share:

LRT Lesson #1:  Reserved parking - 'nuff said

LRT Lesson #2: Do away with common decency. Do not by any means be courteous and give your seat up for an elderly person, or go out of your way to assist or clear the path for someone in a wheel chair or pushing a stroller. This would interrupt your getting on the train by at least, I don't know, 5 seconds, and that would be tragic.

LRT Lesson #3: Do not even think of riding the train unless you have a cell phone to yak on, play games on, surf Facebook etc. Do not look at strangers or heaven forbid talk to someone. Nope it is absolutely essential that you play with your phone and if you do not have anything to do on your phone just take it out of your pocket as soon as the person next to you does so that you don't look like the only person on the planet who does not have a smart phone. If you do not have a phone, you should not ride the train.

LRT Lesson #4:  If you need to have a private or heated conversation over the phone, by all means, make that call on the train because everybody on the train, wants to hear you LOUDLY yell at your boyfriend, tell your best friend that they're an idiot, or scream at your mother who probably never should have had you in the first place.  Public, crowded spaces, like the inside of a train, are the ideal place to air your dirty laundry.

LRT Lesson #5: Apparently General Custer is a National Hero and never should have been killed because it's illegal to kill Generals..........I'm reasonably certain it's illegal to kill anybody.

LRT Lesson #6: If you can move into the train further so that the people at the next station can get on, you should not move. You must instead, stand rigidly in your place, like you are descended from the Gods themselves, and maintain a two foot radius of free space between your self and anybody else, just so you can guarantee being able to get off at your stop, which is only, like, 8 stops away, because that is totally fair and not ignorant at all.

LRT Lesson #7: If you have to sneeze or cough, don't cover your mouth, instead spew your snot and spit all over the person next to you, because people love the snot and spit of total strangers and just can't wait to get sick or become part of a real life "Contagion" epidemic.

LRT Lesson #8:  Don't bother paying that $2.75 for your ticket, instead risk getting busted by Transit Police (many of whom I've noticed are rather attractive) and instead joyously pay a $250 fine.

LRT Lesson #9: If you are listening to music and have headphones on, be sure to crank the music up loud enough so that allllllllll the people on the train can hear it, especially if it's shitty dance music or if you feel compelled to play Rhianna's "Diamonds In the Sky" (also known as "Worst Song Ever Recorded) on repeat for 20 minutes straight, that will make everybody's day.

LRT Lesson #10: If you are a hard core, lilly white ganster, you should hang out around the train station, blaring your shitty ass rap music - not over your head phones - but with your cell phone on speaker - and say things like "Yo" and "Buoyyyy" and walk with a swagger and act like you OWN the station, you are King F'ing Pin of 1st Street Station - Buooyyyy.

That's all for now - may sound like I find the train frustrating, but quite the contrary - like I said, it's pretty slick..and obviously entertaining.   

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