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I am the working mother of two little minions, just on a new adventure in another province away from my seaside home trying desperately to solve life's many riddles and find inner peace despite all the chaos...and when all else fails there's always wine.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

AN INVISIBLE STAIRCASE

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"  I have been reading a lot of quotes lately and this one stuck (well they all tend to stick given that I go through a lot of post-its). 

In the grand scheme of life, things are wonderful.  I know that one should count their wealth not based on the dollars in the bank but rather on the blessings such as health, laughter, love etc. that accumulate in our lives; these are true riches.  By nature I am not naturally a positive person; it's something that I've really had to work at and that has evolved in my character, out of necessity, over the last few years.  Thus the insatiable appetite for positive, uplifting quotes and mantras.  I am also naturally risk averse and a planner. I like to have a plan, more appropriately, I feel like I NEED to have a plan.  I once said to Larry, as we joked about selling everything to sail around the world. "Sure, I'll do it, as long as we never see stormy weather."  This statement sums up my entire outlook.  "I will accept any challenge, as long as you promise nothing will ever go wrong."  A rather childish demand, for sure. 

There was a time in our lives when things were painfully status quo. We didn't think we'd ever move anywhere, or do anything, or travel anywhere, etc. etc.  Life was beautifully and yet painfully predictable. Our souls were starving but I could MAP everything perfectly. 

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"


Ever since I was laid off from my job with Lafarge in 2009 (which don't get me wrong, was quite possiblY the greatest thing to ever happen to me), I've lost my sense of thinking that the world was predictable, that I knew how it would all work out.  I understand that this event was the catalyst in my life to teach me to let go, to learn as I like to say, "not to hope for everything to be okay, but rather to hope to be okay with everything."   However, there is still the remnants of "I want my life to be predictable and stable, and predictable and stable, and all that Jenessa" that keeps wishing for things to "normalize" or calm down.  This is laughable.  We are on a staircase right now and I have no way of really knowing where it leads....this is okay....this is obviously what the universe intends. 

The other day, when I was driving home from work, I was thinking about how I'm totally the type of person that has to figure everything out. Movies, TV shows, books, board games, unsolved household mysteries...I need to figure it out.  Also a sign that I am hopelessly addicted to order, is that I became an Accountant....everything must be balanced, and forecasted, and "fit."  

From the moment I said yes to this journey to leave behind our ocean home, I have had to deal with the invisible staircase, the unknown, the unpredictable, the unplannable, it both excites and terrifies me.  We are so very blessed, so "rich" with all the amazing people, experiences, lessons, comforts and opportunities that have been woven into our lives through the years.  I never would have thought that one day I'd be typing this blog, from an office in Calgary, calling Alberta my home. I never would have thought that one day I'd be on Oprah, or that I'd snorkel in tropical waters (given my irrational fear of sharks and water).  There are so many things big and small that have transpired that I never could have guessed would come about.  Why, therefore, I keep insisting on trying to figure out where the staircase is going, I have no idea. 

I have days where I feel like sprinting up the staircase, without a care in the world and days where I feel like sitting on a step and hugging myself.  Where am I going? Excitement and Terror.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"

Life is beautiful and mysterious and unpredictable. "Did you hear that self?? UN-PRE-DICT-A-BLE.  Suck it up princess and take another step."

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